I saw more deaths from media, I meant they draw my attention easier than before. I think this is a sign which tells me I’m not young anymore, as I know, at a young age, I usually ignore them…
In the depth, we all know that it’s ugly, life doesn’t seem as beautiful as it should, or just because we’re not able to make it better. I have been struggling with the marriage that has been running on the cliff edge for a few years. It has never been good, but neither I ever had courage to end it. It just repeatedly beats me again and again, the sadness, the desperate, those feelings sometimes could completely swallow you up.
Many times I woke up from the floor or drove aimlessly on the highway, I feel the huge great emptiness over there, in the bottom of my heart, the vacuum like a black hole, slowly slowly eats up the whole of my identity, I think that’s called depression, and now I deeply understand why it’s called depression— when your core is empty, the air compresses you.
There is a hole in everybody’s heart to be filled with something, some people choose spiritual beliefs, and others seek for worldly materials. Frankly I tried both, and none could be called a success, I was ever a baptized christian but I failed keeping the connection with that spiritual world, or saying I can never really enter that world. I had enjoyment of money, alcohol and sex, but obviously they were very temporary, and I conclude that the super killer won’t go away, it’s called “lonely” — the unlimited feeling flowing from that black hole, it never ends, also the byproduct of “lonely” is the feeling of “failure”, it drives me faint looking for the meaningful purpose of everything, of nothing, until no more strength backs me up.
Today, I read 3 deaths from media — one 15 year old’s suicide, a famous rapper died from overdose, and the UK royal family’s loss. It’s a “dark” humor to put all these 3 completely different lives together, they are completely different ranges for age, gender, race and fatal causes, there is only one thing in common: broken. Many tears and pains hit families and friends involved, especially for the case of this young kid who has given up on the opportunities that may change how it looks in the future, what pitiful thing it is that we completely lose the hope of possibilities, how similar it is reflecting on myself!
The second of this post is for some positives, I’m sorry if that is useless.
Fighting and arguing don’t help on clarification at all, neither improving understanding level of each other, it won’t help even you’re just fighting and arguing with yourself, if you don’t agree with it, that’s it, it is probably not agreed on forever, and that’s it, nothing more beyond that. At some point, I have to admit that I’m a coward as A, B and C, and also I failed to become X, Y and Z. But I have developed some sense to fight against this plague, I called the plague “mental trap”, because I think we can get out of it, as somehow we can stop plague spread, and we should do that. In a nutshell, it comes as two things:
- Focus
- Empathy
To make sense of this framework, you have to agree with me on this: I can’t find meaningful purpose purely from myself, my purpose is defined by how I am to others, even to the unknown.
To go through the great emptiness, I get to calm myself down in mind, I literally told myself “nothing is important — only peace in mind”, then I move my whole focus on something: reading a book, working a problem, finishing a walk/hike, watching a program, or talking to someone. Emptiness needs to be ignored purposefully, otherwise they will spread the shadow in your heart. Focus helps degrade influence the negative feelings apply upon you.
Empathy is essentially to manifest our value, the most meaningful thing of who I am, I have empathy for myself, I know I’m innocent for most of the attacks, accusations, and insults. I have empathy for all the loved ones, my kids, my parents and many that I loved. I have empathy for the broken world, I am “unfortunate”, but you know I count many blessings too, there are so many unluckier ones than me, I won’t magnify the downsides of myself.
Empathy and Focus are two elements that rebuild me again and again, I shared this through a post after I went through a big depression, I think it might be helpful to some people in a similar condition, even though it’s just a little bit hint for your situation, could a match light save a life?
Let’s never give up on life, let’s never give up on possibilities of future.
